I feel as though I Am in a prison. Not one surrounded by walls and iron bars, one that is far harder to escape from as the only one who can release me, is I. But this is far easier said than done as most things are and on days like this I feel there is no escape – well that is what my mind wants me to believe anyway. I am not a character in a play and I know deep down I am a loving, caring, compassionate being no matter what my mind tells me, I know this is true. Maybe it is now time to love everyone for who they really are and not what we want them to be – this is what I keep telling myself. Can we do this? Well the answer is no and as I, we all fail every day, why do we fail? Because we only see the characters we play and not who we truly are. We are the problem and the solution, nothing external, this is internal for that is where the true us exists. We are unique in everyway and in that uniqueness lays the problem and the solution. Our minds do not except our uniqueness and tries to mould everyone around us into something that is acceptable to our minds, but when we can except that we are all unique and except that uniqueness, then we have accepted that there is no division between any of us and that our uniqueness is our greatest lesson in the course of remembering what we are and how we can live far away from the conformity and the playground for the minds we live in now as characters.
I am not frightened to say that yes the tears do flow and the anger erupts in frustration and in recognition that no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape the world of the mind and all the pain it contains and I am not frightened to admits this anymore as I was at one time. As long as I feel there is a fight, then I will always be fighting. Fighting the external that the mind requires me to do. The external element always maintains control and maintains there can only be external solutions for any problems, which is simply bollocks, absolute fucking rubbish. All around the evidence exists of what the mind is capable of, not just in the media, but also in our own daily lives. It can be seen in just the way we talk to each other. I know, I can see this in myself and I suffer the pain when I realise what I have said or done. Many will say “don’t beat yourself up about it”, but that is exactly what the mind will do and make you think about it until you go mad with frustration for no matter how hard you try you cannot turn back the clock, nothing can be changed that is in the past. So maybe I should not try, stop fighting. Although in my heart I know this is all in my mind and is created and maintained by such, to escape seems at times impossible and the over baring weight of control it applies is sometimes to much to bare. What I am being asked to do, if something ‘IS’ asking me, to me it is very simple…. look at myself the real me and not the character I play in the world as we know it and to accept warts an all that this character is just a character and not the real me and accept that this character is in my mind and nowhere else.
For a long time, as many of you have if you admit it, I could not differentiate between the character (my mind) and the true me and thus lead my life within the concepts the mind wanted me to believe in, no matter how far removed from morality they may be. As I write this my mind is starting to try and control what I am writing – sound mad, maybe I am and if mad means to be as far removed from this bollocks we call life as I can get, then mad I am and mad I shall stay.
It is said I am a man, but what does that mean. What is the definition of a man? Someone who drinks beer, plays sports, competitive and is macho, someone who never sheds a tear as it would be seen as a weakness. Is this the real concept of a man the world would have us believe? You’re not a man if you are deemed as weak. Is not weakness in the world, as we know frowned upon especially if you are a man? What a load of bollocks! And if this is the case then I am happy to say I am not a man, for a man to me is nothing more than the frame work for the character to be built upon that has been allotted to me because of my gender and the program set forth that I must follow, a stereo type that resides in my mind – drummed into me at school and in any other opportunity that exists to make me conform to artificial rules and regulations of those who want me to be a MAN.
I have quite often said I want to run as far away from humanity as I can get, but in reality am I not running from the true me frightened to face the stark reality of the truth, the truth of what we have become? For I see the evidence of that truth in the whole of humanity and what it does daily to each other, the planet and the creatures upon it. What wants to run – my true self or my mind? Is this again a concept the mind wants me to believe that I am not a man if I run away to stop me seeing the evidence of what we have become, for the more I see the more I realise about the true me and in so becoming that, exiting the character stage right never to perform again. In a lot of ways I do not want to run from humanity for I love it in its entirety and except it for what it is and what it has become, but this is the true me and certainly is not what my mind would say if I allowed it to comment. I know that everything that happens must happen, but this does not make it any easier knowing this fact, in fact it makes it harder, giving my mind the opportunity to step in and throw a spanner in the works by judging and voicing opinions about what goes on In the world, when my true self knows that this is the only way humanity as a whole will finally realise what it has created and what it has done. To realise that this cannot go on it must end, but for that to happen everyone and I mean everyone must find their true selves and face the character and realise what exactly this character is and why it exists, then we will realise that the problem is us externally and the solution is us internally.
If I cannot escape the mind then I will use it against itself at every opportunity I get and that is exactly what I am doing. In every moment possible I will try to override my mind for morality even to the point of ridiculing my character, making it look weak in front of others and allowing them to see what this character really is and to show them who I am really Am. I will do this until such time as the character is shamed into the back ground never to appear again and I can finally once and for all lose my mind, the very place where the character exists.
The painful truth I have realised is we are all cowards and dare not face the truth of what we have allowed the character we play to become. We are so far removed from out true selves that the character has taken over entirely and we only resemble what we truly are and what we are capable of as our true selves very rarely. But we are truly like a flame that cannot be extinguished and even though the flame in most of us is very dim, it still exists and can never be put out fully. Maybe through the realisation of what we have allowed ourselves to become, the flame will grow stronger and burn brighter so we can realise that what we have become is not us it is a character in a play, and if you want to see this character go look in a mirror, because that is exactly what you will see as I do a character staring back at you. In effect we are all running and will continue to, till we realise the simple truth, we are not men, women and children they are just labels as our names are. We are things, unique things that have been given the opportunity, for whatever reason to try and live in harmony, love and benevolence with all the other things that exist upon this wonderful planet. The reason we don’t is down to us all and we are all to blame and until life gets much much worse many will fight to keep life the way it is and this is not their fault as they have yet to realise they are living their life as a character and not as their true selves.
From this moment on I will be known, as john. No surname no other names just john. I choose to be known by this and by nothing else. I will be handing back my ‘birth certificate’ very soon and want nothing more to do with it. I will sacrifice the person, the persona, the mask the character, I will be a ‘thing known as john’ and John James Harris will die, as that is truly all that can die – the character!
Mock me all you would like, laugh and make fun of me go on knock yourself out. Report across the biggest gossip out let in the world the Internet how John Harris has gone mad, lost the plot he’s off with the fairies, but before you do ask yourself this – are you really about to do it, or is it your mind (character) that’s about to do it?
Much love to you all without exception