My journey so far has been one of highs and on the same hand many lows, pain and anguish to my family all caused by no one but me and my selfish need for status, position and standing. Yes the one thing I have talked about for so long sucked me in, chewed me up and spat me out and the sad thing is, it is not about how this affected me, but how it affected my family. Now I know that whatever I would have chose would have been what was meant to be, as if it was not, then things would have been very different. Many do not realise this fact and it certainly is very hard to explain, but in essence it is incredibly simple, but as in anything the realisation comes from experience and not understanding. Words give understanding and not realisation one example of why we are in such a mess. To be honest my family did not need to suffer, they suffered because of my own selfish needs and the lust and addiction to the delusion of grandeur that results from the constant need to rise up the status ranks – and I am seeing this now happen to many good men and women caught in the same process. If you asked me if I could turn back the clock and undo what has been done – undo the pain, the hurt and the tears that have been shed, then yes of course I would. But as most of us are aware I cannot do this. What I have done is to see with my own real eyes and to listen to my heart and the hearts of those who love and care for me. In doing so I have been shown and I have seen where I have gone wrong and what caused the problem in the first place and through real-eyes-ation I have started to correct the problem, denying my mind the status it craves and lusts after. I now see that I am so fortunate in the real sense of the word to have those who love me, love me and I am doing everything I can now to correct the problems that remain within my own mind to make sure that my family never suffer again because of my selfishness.
If we all care to admit (which we do not like doing) we all have the need to be selfish in some way or another, whether that be as simple as hogging the TV when football is on or some other program we feel we have to watch and sod every one because we are going to watch it, or just getting frustrated if someone walks in front of the TV and we have to crook our necks to maintain we can see it. Basically we make sure our needs are met before our families, friends or anyone else’s, and yes you will argue that this does not happen all the time, but truly it does even in some small way, and no matter how small that way is this perpetuates this problem. When I look at myself I know I can be the worst of all and see that not only will I maintain the stance that what I am doing must come before everything else, in reality it does not have to and the excuse I am using for that is truly what it is an excuse, only given to service my own selfish needs. Along with this comes the attitude I use when I am being selfish and the innuendos in the words that I use to try and persuade who I am talking to, that they must service my selfish needs first, or what they have is what I need. Again if you care to admit this you will start to see when you are doing this. Watch how many times you get irate, angry or moody because someone has said or interrupted what you are doing, watching or listening to – how many times does your attitude change in a split second because you have not got your own way? When you realise this fact once, you will be horrified at how many times you do this, all it takes is one point of realisation to measure from and you will start to ‘see’ – as I know many of you do already.
Although the process of self-realisation is a very simple one I feel it is blocked by the intent of the world around us and all it has to offer to keep us selfish, because in reality as I have seen in myself all we seem to care about is are own gain at any one time. I know that going round the country talking to people was in fact predominately for my own gain and in essence I was the one who selfishly gained more than anyone else and in reality I did this not giving a toss for those I left behind in my wake and the hurt that I have caused to my family. To be completely honest this is all I have done all my life and if I had not been helped to realise this through the ones who love and care for me, then I would still be doing it. Sometimes I lack, to be honest more times than not, the ability to stop the selfishness and it still overrules the need I hold in my heart to not be selfish, but it is interesting now that I realise most of the time within a split second that I have been. I try not to beat myself up about this. I try to just take the realisation to help prevent this from happening again and although I fail many times the failures are becoming less frequent.
I am still asked by many to come and talk at venues around the country but I feel in accepting this I will allow myself to be dragged into this addictive environment again and the gross selfishness will manifest once more. So to be honest I will not be doing anymore talks for now to prevent this from happening for I ‘will’ not allow this to destroy my family again and I know that it will. I will be doing a few talks after the book is complete, but only a few and my family will be with me if they choose and if they don’t, then the talks will not go ahead, or will go ahead when it suitable for my family to attend. I must at all times put my family before mine or any others selfish needs and it is up to me to make sure this happens. I have looked back at my talks and realised, through the help of others that many times I can see my mind stepping in (some of you would call this the ego, as I did at one time) and taking over. I have noticed this and was reminded of this fact by an email from someone who cares and then by watching the last talk I did in Wales. I have always tried to do my talks from my heart, but unfortunately or maybe fortunately my mind does step in. I accept I am wrong on many levels and I am remembering this every day, but my mind can never be wrong as my mind, as I can see it, can only be selfish and services its own selfish needs. In my own humble view nothing good has ever manifested from the mind and never will. Although this is only my view and yes I could be completely wrong, nonetheless this is the view at least at this moment I am sticking with. I will always maintain I am not my mind. To be completely honest it is my mind that wants to go back on the road and it is my mind that craves the status and grandeur that manifests from doing the talks and this is not acceptable on any level.
Recently a friend of mine went to a conference where there were a few speakers one that I was asked to attend sometime ago. I asked if he enjoyed this and he said it was good but basically it was the same information being regurgitated with nothing new being added. But the funniest thing my friend said was the fact that there was an argument between two historians arguing about the facts of history that was nothing more than a battle of the minds (egos). He said this went on for sometime. This is the pecking order I have seen myself so many times and the truth movement (move-mental as in govern-mental) is just as bad as the people consumed by artificial power who profess to control everything. And do you know what they are all welcome to it, because all of this is based on selfishness, self importance and status and I want for know part of this, now, or never again. During the next few months I will sit on the sidelines and patiently watch things unfold. I shall not intervene nor shall I comment, just carry on writing and posting articles when I get the time. I know in my heart that all that is wrong is on the verge of collapse and is slowly but surely destroying itself without any help from me. I feel now that all I was meant to do was light a touch paper, sow a seed if you like and walk away and allow the seed to become what it already knows it is going to be, it does not need me to tell it what it will be, it already knows and if I am meant to do more then I will be told when I need to know. I know in my heart that there is no external solution and I have spoke of this many times, all I see is that the solution is internal – the one thing that many cannot accept, but many do. To be honest I can see the tables are turning and more and more of us are coming to this that we are the problem and we are by default the solution. Again I have said this many times, but again I could be completely wrong, well according to the processes that exist, I am. It is not for me to tell you, it is for you to tell you and as I see it this can only happen through the process of realisation and nothing else – and certainly not from any form of understanding.
During this period of watching and reflecting I ‘will’ all that needs to happen must happen no matter what that brings. I ‘will’ that no matter what and at every opportunity I get that I will put my family, friends and all I can before my own selfish needs and myself. Deep in side me I know that this selfishness is not me and yes it can be seen as a burden, an infliction but at the same time it is the greatest tool for self-realisation and I suppose it all comes down to how many times do you need to realise the same thing and continue too ignore it – this I ask myself many times. Selfish needs manifest in many different ways, maybe now is the time to put someone before you. But that again is your decision. The selfish world as we know it survives because we perpetuate it everyday, but surely if this is the case, then a perpetuation of unselfishness would do exactly the same, but again this is only my view.
All my love to you all without exception